Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
