i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
