my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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