You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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