Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
