i wish starbucks made bloody marys
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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