I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My vagina is officially offended.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize