I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
