You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
