Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
