Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
