STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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