apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
