from now on my penis is your penis
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Randomize