The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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