Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
