**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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