i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
