mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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