Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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