Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
