she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
