I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
