4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
