Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You need Xanax blowdarts
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
