highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
