I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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