Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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