I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
