masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
