the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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