I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
