my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
