just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
