just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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