We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
