So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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