Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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