Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
