I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
