you guys were way drunker than both of me
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
