____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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