when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm at about main and main street
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
