can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
