Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
