My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
