I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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