Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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