It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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