Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
