I think my vagina is haunted
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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