I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
