dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
