is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
