DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
