We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
