why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
