for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
