remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
