Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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