I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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