How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
