I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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